Surreal Beauty.....

This....

When we run away from grief, we miss the raw beauty of these tender moments. We miss the surreal beauty of life through grief-tainted eyes.

Very much what I needed to hear this morning. I have continued to eat away my feelings. Once in a blue moon, I will find the strength to just breathe in the silence, but far to often I am running from it. Most days my fatigue overwhelms me.

What do I want my life to look like?

I'm not talking about the "fantasy", but in the place I'm at, with the circumstances that cannot be changed, what do I want my life to look like? I cannot wish away what is, so what do I want to do with the reality and how can face it while finding joy?

Those are the real questions. I have been looking at this all wrong.

It's time for me to move through the feelings, the grief, the anger, and to find my SELF in the place I am at. I cannot wish away what is, but I can seek to live IN it.

Silence....

It's been so long and so much has happened! I am coming back here, because for me, writing is the best way for me to vomit out the feelings that hold me down.

In October, some very significant changes happened in our world. Changes that impacted me deeply, and are still sending out shockwaves. And along with those changes came a total loss of myself. At one point, I had a mini nervous breakdown.

Today....sigh. Today I sit here at this computer the heaviest I have been in a long time. No, I don't weigh myself. Not ever. But according to my clothes and the way I feel, I know where I am. I also sit here with such terrible pain in my stomach from the bag of cheetos I ate last night. They were greasy and gross, but I felt like I needed to finish them so that they weren't around anymore. Writing that makes me realize how crazy ass that really is. And yet, when I'm IN the moment, it makes sense.

I love eating intuitively. Love it. I love how I feel when I honor my hunger and fullness. I love how alive I am and how little I actually think about food. I love that there is room for feelings in my life.

And still....

I find myself back at square one again. Fighting to find ME. Wanting so desperately to feel again and not be numb. To bring back that peace and silence.

Silence? Whhhaaaattt?????? Where did that come from????

That's probably the key. Hm.....

My life is full of constant battles and noise. There is not a space carved out to just be and to just feel.

I crave silence.

Well I'll be darned.....

Stuffing myself somewhat relieves my feelings, but in reality, what if I allowed the silence of the night? What if instead of continuing the chaos of the day, I allowed myself silence?

Hm....

Wow. I need to grasp onto this one.

Write...

I need to come here more often and journal. It's a cheap, therapeutic way to deal with things that I tend to stuff.

It seems most DAYS, I don't have much trouble eating intuitively anymore. I'm able to really listen to my body, even choosing something different than what others are eating. I'm not perfect by any means, I still snack after my afternoon siesta (don't you LOVE that word??), but I am able to choose something I really want and enjoy it. I've let go of guilt.

However, evenings continue to be my battle ground.

About 1/3 of the time I can listen to my body, the other 2/3 it gets stuffed down. The good news is, this is still better than before IE. I also refuse to beat myself up.I have been able to be kind to myself. That's new and that's huge.

However....

I wish that this self right here, this morning self, was able to talk frankly with my evening self. I would tell that evening self how horrible it feels physically each morning to wake up with tummy pain. How exhausting it is to have a restless night of sleep because my tummy is so full that I can't stay asleep. How much better I feel when I wake up with an empty tummy, after having had a restful night of sleep.

Hey evening self, it's OK to feel tired in the evening. Take a tiny nap. Have a can of pop. Find a craft you want to accomplish. Sew those curtains. Paint or draw something. Work on curriculum the next day. I know you think TV is boring. I know you are tired and want to "chill" but can't figure it quite out how to do it without food.

Please hang in there evening self. Please be gentle physically on your body. Work on making evening a time for you to putz around and enjoy some time to DO the things you are craving.

Create.

Don't destroy.

God has given you this marvelous, amazing life. This wonderful need to "tuck" your family in close. Use it. Develop it.

Allow that inner child to come out and go a little wild.

You can do this. Morning self is rooting for you!

This....

This....

"I’ve said no thank you to numbing out, hello to experiencing discomfort.

Initially, I needed to learn how to sit with discomfort. But now, I need to learn how to take a break from it, or even how to detach from it

Yes, I need to listen to my body –> but sometimes these messages I receive are just messages from my brain — messages from old storylines that aren’t relevant to a 30-something year old woman anymore."

Yep.

I'm trying to not make up excuses anymore.

To feel.

And most of all, to accept that it's ok to not always be perfect.

In this too.

Webs....

"Oh what a tangled web we weave

when we first practice to deceive"

What a web I've woven. 

Conning myself into believing that I didn't have any feelings about eating. That I was just eating because "I like to eat". Oh my what a lie I had been telling myself. 

Last night I got to thinking about my post here and I knew something wasn't sitting right with me about it. So I decided to imagine that I wasn't going to eat at night. After all, if I was telling the truth that it was "just enjoyable", then by all rights I should also just be able not to eat. 

Right? 

I allowed myself to imagine that very thing. 

Oh my the feelings that popped up!! I did it again tonight. Same thing. 

Truth is, I feel lonely. I feel bored. I feel like I have no life. I am angry. I am scared. I am tired. I am all of these things. Sometimes only one at a time. Sometimes I fly back and forth between them at the speed of light. 

What a tangled web we weave...

I am eating to cover things. 

Tonight I ate. 

And then I didn't. 

I felt as though the feelings would kill me. Smother me. 

I reminded myself they would not. 

I'm still here. My feelings are too. But these will pass. 

Deep breath. 

Tearing down those webs....

Eat....

Tonight I was finishing off another snack (one of about 10) and something hit me.

Sometimes I eat because I just want to eat.

Because I like to eat.

I'm not hiding any feelings. I'm not stuffing anything. I'm just eating because it's enjoyable. Just like taking a walk is enjoyable. Like looking at the stars is enjoyable. I'm not lonely. I'm not sad. I'm not even bored.

I just like to eat.

Now what???

What if there is no "feeling" to "sit with"????

What if a large component of my desire to eat, is my desire to eat????

Oh boy....

And so....

And so it begins. This blog that is. My journey began a long time ago. The day I was born, actually. My journey with Intuitive/Mindful Eating began years ago. The battle within my own head to accept myself and accept the journey has been one I have not yet won. I have walked away. And yet I come back.

I carry on.

I had a startling episode last night. Which is the reason for this blog. I have always needed to write to work through the thoughts in my head. I am not one to speak them. So this has again become the sounding board for my heart.

~*~ 

I am the second born of 4 girls. My mother thought I was a boy until I was delivered. They were very surprised to have another girl, and picked out my name after delivery. According to my mom, I was not an easy baby. Crying a lot. Staying awake when I should have been sleeping. Etc. Etc. Etc.

My older sister is my best friend. My older sister is my mom's favorite.

And here begins my story....

 ~*~

Last night I was alone in the house, which I love. I am an introvert. Needing time and space to hear my own thoughts and to decompress from the day.

Two days ago, we found out that the children we longed to bring into our home had passed another hurdle in their adoption. A huge hurdle. One I had never thought we would see come to pass.

I was in shock.

Literally.

Unable to even wrap my head around this. I was pacing.

I called my mom. Her first words were joy. I began to cry.

And then it began....

"Well now we can help you get that house clean. I'll take your sisters and we'll come over and clean that house from top to bottom. We'll move the fridge.."

"Mom, I cleaned under the fridge when they redid the wall this summer"

"Oh well then we'll get everything else all spotless. We'll get it all clean and maybe you can keep it that way..."

And then the kicker....

"You're just like your mom, now you will snack your way though."

I was angry.

Very, very angry.

I went on a rampage, cleaning everything in sight. Eating everything in sight.

Last night as I sat alone, I found myself in the kitchen. Scooping a big bowl of ice cream. Taking down a cereal box. And it hit me. I felt for the first time ever, absolute rage. A well of pent of feelings overtook me and I realized how very, very angry I was that my mom loves me, but will never accept me as I am. How I will ALWAYS be compared with my older sister.

How all the traits I love my most about MY kids, will always be attributed to my older sister. And how all the things that are hard that my kids struggle with, will be attributed by my mom to ME.

It is so unfair.

And as I sat there I allowed myself to just feel it. To realize how grossly warped my mom's thinking is. How deeply I love her and just want her to accept me AS I AM. And realizing that that will never happen.

It was a breakthrough of epic sorts for me.

I was so kind to myself. I accepted that these feelings were too big for me to handle in one night. I talked compassionately to that hurt inside me. I asked myself if I really wanted the ice cream and I was tender to my heart when that little person inside me acknowledged that I just really needed to stuff those heavy feelings.

I ate my ice cream.

I ate my cereal.

But I also came here. It is a new chapter in this book.

I am wanting to do the work.

To build my backbone.

To love the people in my life unconditionally.

To stop the chain of not being accepted.

I am willing.

Because.