And so....

And so it begins. This blog that is. My journey began a long time ago. The day I was born, actually. My journey with Intuitive/Mindful Eating began years ago. The battle within my own head to accept myself and accept the journey has been one I have not yet won. I have walked away. And yet I come back.

I carry on.

I had a startling episode last night. Which is the reason for this blog. I have always needed to write to work through the thoughts in my head. I am not one to speak them. So this has again become the sounding board for my heart.

~*~ 

I am the second born of 4 girls. My mother thought I was a boy until I was delivered. They were very surprised to have another girl, and picked out my name after delivery. According to my mom, I was not an easy baby. Crying a lot. Staying awake when I should have been sleeping. Etc. Etc. Etc.

My older sister is my best friend. My older sister is my mom's favorite.

And here begins my story....

 ~*~

Last night I was alone in the house, which I love. I am an introvert. Needing time and space to hear my own thoughts and to decompress from the day.

Two days ago, we found out that the children we longed to bring into our home had passed another hurdle in their adoption. A huge hurdle. One I had never thought we would see come to pass.

I was in shock.

Literally.

Unable to even wrap my head around this. I was pacing.

I called my mom. Her first words were joy. I began to cry.

And then it began....

"Well now we can help you get that house clean. I'll take your sisters and we'll come over and clean that house from top to bottom. We'll move the fridge.."

"Mom, I cleaned under the fridge when they redid the wall this summer"

"Oh well then we'll get everything else all spotless. We'll get it all clean and maybe you can keep it that way..."

And then the kicker....

"You're just like your mom, now you will snack your way though."

I was angry.

Very, very angry.

I went on a rampage, cleaning everything in sight. Eating everything in sight.

Last night as I sat alone, I found myself in the kitchen. Scooping a big bowl of ice cream. Taking down a cereal box. And it hit me. I felt for the first time ever, absolute rage. A well of pent of feelings overtook me and I realized how very, very angry I was that my mom loves me, but will never accept me as I am. How I will ALWAYS be compared with my older sister.

How all the traits I love my most about MY kids, will always be attributed to my older sister. And how all the things that are hard that my kids struggle with, will be attributed by my mom to ME.

It is so unfair.

And as I sat there I allowed myself to just feel it. To realize how grossly warped my mom's thinking is. How deeply I love her and just want her to accept me AS I AM. And realizing that that will never happen.

It was a breakthrough of epic sorts for me.

I was so kind to myself. I accepted that these feelings were too big for me to handle in one night. I talked compassionately to that hurt inside me. I asked myself if I really wanted the ice cream and I was tender to my heart when that little person inside me acknowledged that I just really needed to stuff those heavy feelings.

I ate my ice cream.

I ate my cereal.

But I also came here. It is a new chapter in this book.

I am wanting to do the work.

To build my backbone.

To love the people in my life unconditionally.

To stop the chain of not being accepted.

I am willing.

Because.