Webs....

"Oh what a tangled web we weave

when we first practice to deceive"

What a web I've woven. 

Conning myself into believing that I didn't have any feelings about eating. That I was just eating because "I like to eat". Oh my what a lie I had been telling myself. 

Last night I got to thinking about my post here and I knew something wasn't sitting right with me about it. So I decided to imagine that I wasn't going to eat at night. After all, if I was telling the truth that it was "just enjoyable", then by all rights I should also just be able not to eat. 

Right? 

I allowed myself to imagine that very thing. 

Oh my the feelings that popped up!! I did it again tonight. Same thing. 

Truth is, I feel lonely. I feel bored. I feel like I have no life. I am angry. I am scared. I am tired. I am all of these things. Sometimes only one at a time. Sometimes I fly back and forth between them at the speed of light. 

What a tangled web we weave...

I am eating to cover things. 

Tonight I ate. 

And then I didn't. 

I felt as though the feelings would kill me. Smother me. 

I reminded myself they would not. 

I'm still here. My feelings are too. But these will pass. 

Deep breath. 

Tearing down those webs....