Silence....

It's been so long and so much has happened! I am coming back here, because for me, writing is the best way for me to vomit out the feelings that hold me down.

In October, some very significant changes happened in our world. Changes that impacted me deeply, and are still sending out shockwaves. And along with those changes came a total loss of myself. At one point, I had a mini nervous breakdown.

Today....sigh. Today I sit here at this computer the heaviest I have been in a long time. No, I don't weigh myself. Not ever. But according to my clothes and the way I feel, I know where I am. I also sit here with such terrible pain in my stomach from the bag of cheetos I ate last night. They were greasy and gross, but I felt like I needed to finish them so that they weren't around anymore. Writing that makes me realize how crazy ass that really is. And yet, when I'm IN the moment, it makes sense.

I love eating intuitively. Love it. I love how I feel when I honor my hunger and fullness. I love how alive I am and how little I actually think about food. I love that there is room for feelings in my life.

And still....

I find myself back at square one again. Fighting to find ME. Wanting so desperately to feel again and not be numb. To bring back that peace and silence.

Silence? Whhhaaaattt?????? Where did that come from????

That's probably the key. Hm.....

My life is full of constant battles and noise. There is not a space carved out to just be and to just feel.

I crave silence.

Well I'll be darned.....

Stuffing myself somewhat relieves my feelings, but in reality, what if I allowed the silence of the night? What if instead of continuing the chaos of the day, I allowed myself silence?

Hm....

Wow. I need to grasp onto this one.